the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
