Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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