I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
