I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
