i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
