So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
