That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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