Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
There are leaves in my underwear?
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