it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
