I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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