By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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