We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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