its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My ass is underappreciated
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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