If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
