I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
