with your own penis?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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