i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
