Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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