someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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