I hope mine doesn't look like that
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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