wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
