Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
