i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
