he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
