I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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