That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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