i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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