32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
