I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
