you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
