I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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