Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
