he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
