Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
