I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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