3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize