My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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