Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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