I love black thongs
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
