I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
