I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
