Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
