I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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