Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Is Oprah even human
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
send nudes
from the living room?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
