one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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