If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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