so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
