it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
