I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
