Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
