one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
