i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize