You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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