Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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