I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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