If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
