saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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