guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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