Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
