he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
