i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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