You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
