U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
