so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Swine flu is the new snow day.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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