Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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