So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
