craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
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