yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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