Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
