the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize