this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
