Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
