Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
