There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
