I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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